Go Until You Get A "No"

Alan shared tonight at Playe how he escaped Communists and pirates as a part of his journey. Have I ever been rescued from evil like that? Should I be?

At times i think that my story is so boring. At the least I think my life was not exciting until about 2 years ago. Was my life always an adventure but seemed obscured by midwestern normalcy?

Don’t get me wrong, I am not a midwestern hater. I know some who have moved to LA or New York and look down on their roots. I am not saying that I have a strong desire to move back there soon. In fact, I am not sure I ever want to live a suburban midwestern life. I think there are greater needs and places I can be used that do not probably call me to look like the rest of America. It’s just a feeling.

So being in charge of 20 women parolees can get old after awhile. If their “criminal mentality” is not broken, women really struggle to try to live normal lives outside of prison walls.
1. It is not “eye for an eye” out here.
2. What you do in secret can and will be made public when you are on parole.
3. Trust is something that you must earn, not what comes automatically, and as a parolee, trust is easily broken and not easily mended due to past wounds.
4. How do you deal with discipline? Like a little girl?
5. Who are your models for how to live a healthy life? On skid row they are few and far between.
6. How do you walk past dope dealers and addicts everyday and not give in?

The battle is fierce and the strongholds are huge down here.

What do relationships look like for a learner who craves input? On the good side, they end up being a brilliant conversationalist who always asks relevant questions and is always interested in the other person. They are known as a friend and gain trust of others easily.

But last night I discovered a down side. I was talking to Ben and he accused me of using my strengths of Input and Learner to “deconstruct” him. He felt like my questions (which just seem like normal conversation to me) made him feel like he was being dissected like a specimen.

Perhaps that is because he has had a year of being my closest friend at school and being subjected to a million questions.

Perhaps it is because he shares stuff with me that he doesn’t share with anyone else and on some level that bothers him.

Perhaps he responded that way because he is an introvert and his love language is quality time, and that quality time to him does not necesitate conversation.

I don’t know, but I can’t wait to ask him about it the next time we talk. Just kidding.

It was HIM again…you’re not ever supposed to fall for your dance partner, but I did. He knows better. To him, I’m not even an option.

He was there tonight. He is always beautiful, strong, charming, brilliant, funny, smooth…ARGH! The frustration of someone so…good…so incredible…so out of reach…

He had only invited 8 people. When introducing me to his friends, he embraced me and told them I was a doctor, dancer, incredible conversationalist and the smartest woman he knew. Our faces were inches away. That image still lingers and haunts me even now in the early hours of morning.

He asks me about my dating life, and I have to admit it is kinda quiet lately. So then it comes up- he’s dating someone. I can almost feel small tendons of hope in my heart snapping, but as a 32 year old woman, I know how to keep a straight face when I hear such words. I have covered my heart and my reactions so many, many times before…

As I walk into the night, my disappointment is palpable, my groans of frustration are audible and tears tease my eyes…to be so close, to know that you are loved, to hit a glass wall once again…Sometimes it can be too much.

Glad I wasn’t drinking.

I’ve always been dramatic. I have lived life large, jumped boldly, laughed hard and loved fiercely.

When relational issues arise, I always struggle with the root causes. Is it me? Am I reacting dramatically because that is what I do, or is the issue really with the other person? Is it about my selfish desires (as usual), or was the other person just a jerk? My dramatic reaction is to back away from the relationship and angrily put up a wall. Is that drawing healthy boundaries that were lacking before, or am I just pouting because they didn’t do what I wanted them to do?

Only journalling will really tell.

Do you believe in aliens? I do. I don’t think that they have ever visited our planet or anything (we are on a VERY tiny speck of dust in a VERY big universe), I just think that God is pretty creative and to limit all his creativity onto this little rock is putting God into a box He is too big for.

It also helps that I read a book called “My Descent into Death” by Howard Storm. (A MUST READ)He was not a Jesus lover, and he died in a Paris hospital. He describes his trip to Hell and his rescue to Heaven. He talks about his conversations with Jesus and the angels. In one of the conversations, the angels said that as a part of our growth process in our next life, we can visit other planets and see the other civilizations God has designed.

As an exercise of creativity, I want to start imagining some of these new worlds. That way when I die, I can see if I came close at all. If you could dream of another planet, what would it be like?

So this is the only blog I can get to while I am working (until they find a way to block it, I suppose!). I may use Saturday nights to catch up on my Vox friends. I can’t get to Xanga.

So I went to The Crave Show (check out http://www.mosaic.org) Friday night and there was one entry about intimacy that hit me. It was a woman talking about wanting to get past all the awkwardness in a new relationship and get to the place where the relationship felt comfortable.

I realized that is exactly what my relationships with all my married guy friends are- comfortable. There is no awkwardness and we become faster, closer friends because the sexual part of the male/female thing is not an issue. Yes, yes. I know, there is always room for temptation, but it wouldn’t be from my end, and it helps that I am good friends with their wives, too.

There is a luxury in a lack of awkwardness. I hope it doesn’t make me weird when I go out with non-married guys.

Living in California is truly changing me. I just got home from Christmas in the midwest. I was overwhelmed by the complacency, sameness and blessing everywhere. I was also unsettled by being surrounded by so many white people. Nothing was translated into Spanish. There weren’t even Spanish channels on cable. The people who I could have talked with in Spanish did not want to talk to me because they thought I was with the INS. I truly live within two distinct worlds.

So.. I have now officially watched Pride and Prejudice 3 times in the last 24 hours. 1/8th of my entire day. It took over my dreams. It conquered my breakfast, it captivated my afternoon. I love Netflix, but I can’t mail it back until Tuesday… at this rate, I might never leave the house…

So I started to ask, “Lord, why is this resonating with my soul? What do you want me to learn?” Resonation means that there is something eternal to it that I must learn from… here is what I was told in my meditations…

1. I will always pursue you.
2. I may not speak often, but that does not mean there is a lack of love.
3. I will work behind the scenes to do what is best for you and those you love.
4. I know you.
5. I know where you have come from: your family history, good and bad.
6. Your riches may affect who you are and how you experience the world, but it does not change my love for you.
7. It is OK if you get mad and yell at Me. I can take it, and I will not go away.
8. I know beauty is important to you, but it is your character that charms Me.
9. You may run from Me, but when you seek Me, you will find Me.
10. My house is full of riches- waiting for you, all yours, if you will have Me.
11. Our union is not one to be flaunted. Out of our love, others will be blessed.
12. People will not understand your devotion to Me. We know each other uniquely.
13. Others may see Me as stern, and to them, that is as far as they care to look.
14. I am ravished by you.
15. Our love may be under attack. Be prepared to defend it.
16. I saw you from across the room, and I picked you. Thank you for asking Me to dance.
17. I am not afraid of your hard questions. I have nothing to hide from you.
18. Your future is now with Me. I hold nothing from you when you are with Me.
19. I am not impressed by flattery, showing off or falseness. I see through that to true motives.
20. You do not have to have special talents to win my affections. Your attempts do charm Me, though.
21. When we dance, it is ours. There is no one else in the room. That is OK with Me.
22. Communication can stop many issues before they arise. Talk to Me. Don’t be afraid.
23. I have written you letters explaining Myself. They are there for you to discover.
24. I will never force Myself upon you. I will wait for your affection. I am patient.
25. I like long walks, too.
26. I love artistic expression. I want to show you who I am through art.
27. I will show up where and when you least suspect Me. Watch for Me.
28. Cherish your family and close friends. They help you see and better understand what love is.
29. Temporarily delaying gratification truly makes the end much sweeter.
30. I like my women….sassy.